Death by Obligation

Why do you make me love you so

That the words “supposed to” trigger anger rather than love,

That filial piety has extended in meaning to exclude

anything else that would dare make me happy.

To love me for myself has lost all meaning, when you don’t really know me anymore,

Only the parts I’ve shown you that I know won’t hurt or offend.

No longer does it seem foolish to revel in rebellion, in fact it seems almost necessary

As air is paramount to a fire’s glowing warmth.

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(Source)

Now I seem a cold hard shell of myself. For in hiding me to please you, I lost not only those parts of me but, my whole self.

Always thinking 2 steps ahead to anticipate your reaction and respond accordingly,

Unable to say what I truly think or feel or desire because none of it is what I’m “supposed to”.

There is a war within me – to love you and to hate everything you’ve done to me in the name of love.

How could I begin to understand love when what was taught to me as perfect love was everything that wounded me.

Can you blame me then for  wanting only to watch love from a safe distance?

I hide to save myself from its icy burn that will not let me go,

Like a frozen tongue glued to the metallic flagstaff.

Your declaration of love cripples me,

The patriotism it demands of me suffocates.

It kills all desire till I am left numb, no joy, no thirst, no feelings –

only remembering wanting it all to be over already.

Please, let it be over already.

 

6/11/16

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